Snap Judgments vs. Apathy

When making snap judgments about parenting, I think many rely on an obedience heuristic: When the parent makes a request, does the child obey or defy the parent? In fact, in the presence of others, I think parents avoid making that have a high probability of being rejected.

For parents who "pass," Robin's list becomes important. After all, parents talk a lot about their kids. If Suzy's mother tells about lessons for U, V, W, X, Y, and Z, it is difficult/embarrassing to say that your child does no such activities. For anyone within one's extended social circle, this is surely as strong a signal as, say, a fancy vs. beat up car.

Well if only your employer's opinion of you matters, and they never see or hear about your kids, then of course you shouldn't pay attention to what others who see and hear about your kids think. But surely most parents care lots about larger social networks that are exposed more to their kids.

I believe there are first and second order needs to manage your reputation among other parents. First, if a large part of your family life revolves around school, then there is simply a need to fit in and participate in all the typical activities. How you interact with your kids and their friends will be a significant factor for other parents.

Second, if you care about your child's ability to socialize with other kids, it is common for parents to manage those relationships as well (at certain ages). Others may not want their children hanging out with yours if you don't show a style of parenting similar to theirs.

Granted, all of this may be silly, but it is also human. I think parents are judging other parents all the time, and it is worth your while to care.